Why Diligent Employees Don't Get What They Deserve

If so, you're not the only one. Many ambitious and conscientious people believe that if they just do their jobs well, they'll be noticed and recognized. They focus on only one thing to achieve their goals: their work performance.

However, those who are typically promoted or receive a raise have more “levers” they can pull. Here, then, are the three reasons why the “one-lever” strategy limits you:

1. You make life easier for your manager without actually saying so
   If you don’t say what you want, it seems as though that’s just the kind of person you are—just a reliable employee. A naive manager might say they didn’t know you wanted more; a manager with other motives might prefer to keep you where you are because it benefits them.

2. There isn’t enough time or energy, so you’ll never “reach the finish line”
   Modern workplaces are all about prioritization. If you spend all your energy on completing tasks, you risk overlooking the value and results you create. You’re constantly busy and often feel like you’re not getting everything done—even though you may be delivering more than expected.

3. You associate growth only with effort
   If you believe that opportunities for growth come only from hard work, a lack of opportunities will quickly lead to doubt and uncertainty. You may end up pushing yourself even harder—which can lead to burnout.

What “tools” do colleagues have whose careers are evolving?

• The Visibility Button: They make their results visible—documenting and communicating their contributions.

• The Politics Button: They understand decision-making processes and who holds influence, and position themselves strategically.

• The Negotiation Button: They ask for a raise, a promotion, or resources and can make a case for their value.

Conclusion
If you’re doing your best but still aren’t getting the opportunities you want, it’s important not to try to prove yourself by taking on more responsibility or doing more. Take a step back and look at your situation from a distance. Which of the three buttons do you need to press to get closer to what you want?

What you shouldn’t do to reach your goals is take on more responsibility and do more if, so far, that hasn’t led to roles with a corresponding increase in influence. After all, more responsibility without influence leads to dissatisfaction and doubt.

Your task: Choose one of the three buttons and incorporate it into your workday

• The Visibility Button: How can you start making your results more visible to your manager as early as tomorrow?

• The Politics Button: Who should you invite for a cup of coffee to learn more about decision-making processes or opportunities?

• The Negotiation Button: What do you need that you haven't asked for yet—and what can you start asking for?

Good luck—I hope you find more flexibility in your work life without having to sacrifice yourself.

If you'd like to learn how I can support you in achieving your career goals—whether that means building more self-confidence, finding better opportunities, or increasing your well-being—please contact me for a no-obligation conversation.

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What should I write here?

There are many "Charlie Chaplins" in today's world

- The key is not to fall for their pranks.

When I was a child, my father told me about a Chaplin episode that I still remember clearly to this day.

In this episode, Chaplin makes money by having his son secretly break the windows in the neighborhood, and then "helping" by offering his services as a window repairman.

Anne Sophie Hermansen reminds me, in some way, of Chaplin and that particular story. I didn’t know who she was until I happened to see her post in my feed about anti-Semitism and an Israeli who was denied an apartment.

In the same post, she writes that Jews are threatened by Muslim healthcare workers and suggests that there are Muslim doctors in Denmark who pose a danger to Jewish patients by prioritizing their Muslim faith over the Hippocratic Oath and Danish law.

I was surprised to read the post, but far more surprised by the way she both responds to and ignores the comments.

Among the comments she does not respond to is one written by a doctor who rightly asks about the specific scenarios Anne imagines taking place in Danish hospitals, where doctors with a Muslim background may pose or have posed a danger to patients. In the instances where she does respond, she emphasizes the seriousness of anti-Semitism.

There is no denying that anti-Semitism is a problem. But another problem is that she does not address comments asking for specific examples or sources to support her claim that there is a group of doctors and other healthcare professionals of Muslim background who pose a real danger to patients of Jewish background.

Many people have shown their appreciation for the post by liking it, and a handful have shared it.

Among others, an ethics advisor shared the post with the caption “Our democracy is under pressure,” and a journalist and communications specialist shared the post with a comment that read: “There is something growing that shouldn’t be growing.”

Of course, people are free to like and share whatever they want, but I’m left wondering: Are they referring to the Israeli camp, or to the still-unsubstantiated accusation that doctors with a Muslim background, solely because of their religious background, pose a danger to patients?

The day after the post went up, Anne closed the comments section. This is not meant to attack Anne, because this isn't just about her. What concerns me is that there are many "Charlie Chaplins" out there today.

By “Chaplins,” I mean public figures who take advantage of real societal challenges by saying controversial things that sound bold and courageous, but who do so in a way that only makes matters worse and bolsters their position.

Make no mistake: There are people like Chaplin in various social groups.

There are people like Chaplin who claim to be fighting for feminism, against racism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, and other causes. What they have in common is not their gender, religion, nationality, or anything of that sort; rather, it is the fact that they are driven by self-promotion.

They follow the same strategy when it comes to their approach: They identify a problem, amplify it, simplify it, and create a bogeyman image of “the others.” This polarizing perspective works for them because it results in a one-sided debate in which those who weigh in are either for or against.

The Chaplins come across as people who dare to speak their minds, and their controversial nature is appreciated by those who see truth in their views.

The problem is not made any better by the fact that those who strongly disagree feel a “need” for their Chaplin, who can point to another Chaplin and say, “It’s them against us.”

The consequence? That real social problems are not solved, but instead various groups are formed in which people rally around or against Chaplin based on specific views or ideologies.

Everyone loses, except Chaplin, who ends up with plenty to do.

So, what can we do? I have two suggestions, and they only work together.

We must be critical of our sources:

When someone presents a mix of true and false information, you might end up believing it all. This is also called “truthiness.” Truthiness refers to the feeling that something you’ve been told is credible because some of it is actually true, even if some of it isn’t.

We must therefore be careful not to simply accept what “feels” true, and be better at verifying whether the facts we’re presented with can be supported by evidence or source citations. Of course, it’s perfectly fine to write about something you have an opinion on, but if you refer to an anecdote and present it as the truth, it must be supported by facts.

I’d also like to encourage us to be critical about who we allow to “influence” us. This is something I’m personally mindful of. It’s not much different from if we were having a problem with our partner or someone at work. We’d be best served by choosing someone who can offer us constructive perspectives without being either overly negative or overly positive. That would help us see things more clearly and find the best way to solve our problems.

And on to my next suggestion.

2. We must have the courage to talk to one another.

We are human beings, and we have prejudices and biases; we shouldn’t try to control or suppress them—nothing good comes of that. Many people believe that the opposite of “saying what I want” is political correctness. My goal is not to return to the political correctness of years past.

The reason we’re so politically incorrect today is that we were far too politically correct for a long time. We went from not talking about the problems at all to talking about them today without thinking about how to do so constructively.

Chaplins thrive on attention and influence in situations where frustration and a buildup of inner discomfort already exist. This is because they serve as an emotional outlet for others, as they come across as people who dare to speak their minds and refuse to be suppressed.

That’s why there’s no getting around the fact that we need to get better at expressing what we truly think and feel, and commit to giving others the space to do the same.

We need to show each other that we’re allowed to have our own opinions and point out things we find problematic without being labeled as fundamentalists, racists, Islamophobes, anti-Semites, or the like.

Because if we fail to create a space for those conversations in society and in the public debate, there will be a vacuum that someone like Chaplin would love to exploit to his own advantage.

The end.

How to Deal with an Unfair Termination of Employment

As an organizational psychologist, I hear many stories about how employees and managers have had to end their employment. Fortunately, some of these stories have happy endings, but many are also heartbreaking. This post is therefore for those who—whether right now or in the past—have experienced being treated with disrespect when they left their jobs, regardless of whether they were fired or resigned on their own.

Unfortunately, you can’t always expect a respectful farewell from colleagues or managers if you haven’t experienced respect and care during your employment. It’s important to remember that sometimes simply getting out of a bad relationship or situation is a reward in itself.

The background to this post is that a client recently quit her job due to harassment. Her boss told her that, because things were so busy, she would not be getting a farewell party. She was upset and felt that this was yet another insult on top of the others. Her words, which I’ve been given permission to share, were: “I feel humiliated. I’ve done so much for this workplace and for the team. I feel like I’m being escorted out the back door!”

I understand how she feels, but here’s my perspective, which my client was relieved to hear:

Sometimes we get so caught up in expecting others to show us the respect we know we deserve that we forget that, in some situations, it’s enough just to walk away. Some people will try to make you feel insignificant when the relationship ends—as if you aren’t good enough—often so they don’t have to face themselves or the challenge. In these situations, you can choose to find comfort in the fact that you’re no longer in that situation.

When you find yourself in a dangerous situation, the most important thing is to get away

Don’t expect a respectful farewell from people who didn’t treat you with respect “during” the relationship (whether at work or in your personal life). Instead, view these relationships as if you were trapped in a dangerous situation. Imagine you were trapped inside a burning house. You wouldn’t insist on having to go out through the front door. Just getting out is something to be grateful for. The exact same principle applies in these situations.

Remember that when dysfunctional relationships end—whether you were the one who ended it or not—you don’t need a respectful goodbye. Of course, it’s nice to get one, but if you don’t, that’s just further proof that leaving the relationship was absolutely the right thing for you to do.

If you’ve had a difficult experience in your professional life that you still feel is holding you back or affecting how you see yourself and how secure you feel at work, it’s important to work through it so you don’t go about your daily life burdened by it.

Please feel free to contact me for a no-obligation conversation by email at mame@selfgrowthcompany.com or by phone at +45 27640477.

No one's respect is more important to you than your own.

How to Politely Say No at Work

Does the thought of saying "no" at work make you break out in a sweat, too? If the answer is yes, you're far from the only one.

I often teach my clients how to say “no” in a way that enhances their professional image. Many people believe that being professional means always saying yes when it’s needed at work.

I don't think so. Let's look at it this way. Imagine you own a small store, and a customer comes in with 150 kroner. This customer wants to buy goods totaling 250 kroner. It wouldn’t be professional to give away 100 kroner just because the customer can’t afford everything they want, right? Nor would it be customer-oriented to refuse to help the customer. In such a case, it would be professional to find out what the customer needs, what they can get for 150 kroner, and help them prioritize so they get the most important items.

The same applies in any other workplace. Saying “no” as a professional means explaining that it’s something that’s beyond your time constraints—but that you’d be happy to suggest a suitable alternative.

If you try to personally make up for the lack of resources, you’ll only end up feeling drained. If you simply say, “No, I can’t do that,” your manager or coworkers will easily feel frustrated or disappointed. Using your expertise, you should help your manager figure out how you and the team can find the best solution to complete the task that you’re declining to take on.

Remember: You don't need more time or energy to thrive in your work life or advance your career; you just need to use the time you have strategically.

About Me, Mariam Mellouli

My name is Mariam Mellouli; I’m 40 years old and have Moroccan roots. I was born and raised in Copenhagen. But I speak Arabic and regularly go on vacation to Morocco to visit family and experience Moroccan culture and the local atmosphere.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a psychologist. A psychologist or a singer—and I really can’t sing—so becoming a psychologist was clearly the best choice for me. But honestly, my curiosity about what the human mind is made of and what it’s capable of has fascinated me since before I was a teenager. When I was 11, on vacation in Morocco, I read a book about Sigmund Freud that my dad had brought along. I’d already read the three books I’d brought with me on vacation. I was curious and fascinated. Without knowing everything I know today, I understood even then that the mind is more complex than one might think. And also fascinating.

The fact that I ended up becoming a psychologist didn’t come as a surprise to those who knew me well. And after 14 years as a psychologist, I still can’t imagine being anything else. I’m just as curious today as I was back then, and that also means I’ve continued my education and taken many courses since I graduated from the University of Copenhagen in 2008.

Psychology covers a wide range of topics. My professional journey has involved a little bit of everything. But there has been a clear common thread running through all the changes I’ve made. I want to be in a position where I can make a meaningful difference while also continuing to grow.  

2008, THE BEGINNING OF MY JOURNEY AS A PSYCHOLOGIST

After graduating with a degree in psychology in 2008, I was pretty sure I wanted to work with children. I had thought that this was where I could make the biggest difference. I got a job as a psychologist with the Educational Psychology Counseling Service in the province and was assigned to schools and daycare centers in areas with limited resources.

I imagined that, in collaboration with teachers and parents, I would work together to determine where the child could have the very best environment for development. But I quickly realized that the teachers, early childhood educators, and administration were frustrated—frustrated by the lack of resources, the increased external demands, the lack of understanding of their work situation, and now also annoyed with the psychologist who had come to offer them advice.

I started by listening and offering “good” advice. But I kept hearing explanations of why that solution wasn’t possible and that much more was needed. I quickly realized that the biggest problem was their sense of powerlessness. The last thing they needed was a psychologist who reinforced that powerlessness by reminding them what their job was.

I started spending more time talking to them about what they thought was important, what they were passionate about in their work, and what they found difficult—without offering advice or talking about the mandatory action plans.

ONE OF MY (MANY) MEANINGFUL "AHA" MOMENTS AS A PSYCHOLOGIST

I remember an incident where I spoke with a teacher who was frustrated with a boy. She thought he should be somewhere else. The teacher was upset and said things that could be interpreted as condescending. In the past, I would have gotten a little defensive and felt like I had to take the child’s side. Instead, I let this teacher speak while I listened. Based on her reaction, I know she hadn’t expected what I said. I said, “It must really be important to you that this boy gets the support he needs, because otherwise you wouldn’t be so upset. If you didn’t care, would you be this upset?”

The teacher started crying. We talked about why she had become a teacher, what was difficult about working with the boy, and what she hoped might change. Then we set a goal that was realistic for her and this student. At the next meeting with the parents and the teaching team, it was this very teacher who opened the meeting by describing how this boy had handled a difficult situation. I thought to myself, “Can change happen that quickly?”

This is an example of a simple effort that made a huge difference. I learned that if I wanted the teacher to treat children with difficulties with respect, I had to start by treating the teacher with difficulties with respect.

FROM SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST TO (BACK) TO THE CLASSROOM AT KING’S COLLEGE LONDON

I came to realize that an entire system has to work together before the desired change can take place. In this context, it was the teachers and the early childhood educator who were closest to the child. But the psychologist and all the other partners, as well as the administration and its leadership, were just as responsible for the results that were achieved.

That experience sparked my passion for organizational psychology. So I took a year off. In 2013, I moved to London and began my second master’s degree in Strategic HR and Organizational Analysis at King’s College.  I chose to pursue a full master’s program because it would allow me to delve deeper into the subject and find answers and a framework for the work experiences and questions I’d encountered while working as a psychologist for the municipality.

After I returned home, I got a job at Dansk Erhverv and was part of a small team. Among other things, I was responsible for helping Danish businesses with their HR issues. I also helped teach courses on leadership and recruitment. It was incredibly exciting, but after I’d been there for just under a year—during which there had been quite a few organizational changes and a change in leadership—I landed a new job as a management consultant at Implement Consulting Group. That was a big deal for me.  I’d heard so much about how difficult it is to get into a consulting firm—that you have to be among the absolute best. Even though I was invited to interview, I had to go through several rounds of interviews and take tests. It certainly wasn’t easy, but I got in—and it was an amazing experience.

I had high hopes when I started at the consulting firm. I was thrown right into the deep end from day one and learned a great deal, both professionally and personally. Along the way, I became interested in the other side of being part of an ambitious company, and began coaching a handful of my colleagues in the hope that I could trade my management position—which typically involved a 60-hour workweek—for a position as the “in-house psychologist.”

I was fascinated by the work culture, the consultants, how they thrived and participated in the community. This included the “culture of performance metrics,” which meant that you had to nurture internal relationships to advance your career.  This created both positive and negative feelings—positive ones such as motivation, a sense of community, and a high level of professional expertise; and negative ones such as “status anxiety,” insecurity, and, in some cases, exploitation. I realized that I could make a difference as an in-house psychologist and coach, because if there were a safe space where employees and managers who felt pressured or challenged could reflect on those feelings, it would prevent those feelings from leading to reactions or behaviors that either affected the tasks they were working on or their own well-being and quality of life.

WHY I ENDED UP RIGHT HERE

After a year and a half—and countless exciting projects and hours of work—I decided to go into business for myself and focus on what I find most exciting. To create a safe and professionally robust space where individuals—who live lives in which they constantly contribute to the well-being of others and who feel a sense of obligation to the communities they’re part of—can pause and ensure that they also remember their own needs and values. It’s important to get rest, to make conscious choices about what to do and what not to do, and to set boundaries so that you can become part of mutually committed communities.

That’s how I ended up where I am today, helping individual clients and teams in the workplace, and giving lectures. I’ve learned a great deal from all the workplaces I’ve been at and have stayed in touch with the wonderful people I’ve met. All of this has helped shape me into the psychologist I am today. It has given me self-confidence, knowledge, and integrity—qualities I carry with me every single day. I hope and believe that this benefits the people I work with.

I guess that's all about me for now 😊

Warmest regards,

Mariam Mellouli